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MilesRausch.com Newsbleep 003: “All’s Well-a In Pella”
In recent years the American psyche has been brutalized by one word: terrorism. It’s been used as a motivator, an interrogator, and a way to get people to perform bizarre, time-consumptive and inane rituals in the name of “freedom”. However, it is also a very real danger, and you should never, ever joke about it.
That is why, when the Newsbleep offices received word of an imminent terrorist threat-organizing and threat-note-caligraphy meeting in Pella, Iowa, we hopped the next train heading to South America to investigate. What we discovered and destroyed on this journey may just terrorize your dreams for the next one hundred billion years, but we felt it would be wrong of us to not share this horror with the public. And so, we bring you Newsbleep 003: All’s Not Well-a In Pella.
To capture this one-of-a-kind news opportunity, we dispatched our special, undercover reporter. Because of the sensitive work he does, he emailed us and asked us to call him by an alias, Riles Mausch, and to blur his face when possible. It was not possible to blur his face, nor to edit out any personal details, such as loved ones or addresses, that he may have mentioned in his broadcast. Thankfully, Newsbleep is more dedicated to good television than it is to personal safety, so we’re airing the piece anyway. Riles?
Thanks, Miles. This is Miles Rausch (edit over the name “Riles Mausch”), reporting alive from Pella, IA (edit over “Indiana” ). It is now nearly the end of our ordeal, and what began as a journey into the frightening unknown of terror ended with the calming certainty of friendships that’ll last a lifetime.
What we knew wasn’t much. I knew that terrorist organizations, to appear organized, hold classes where insurgents can learn the finer points of terrorizing the Great Satan. Unfortunately, we didn’t know when or where they would strike… the chalk to the chalkboard.
I felt fortunate to be traveling with my loved one, Holli Gregg, who lives at 888 W Washington St. Madison, SD 57042.
I knew we’d need backup, so we called in former CTU agent and terrorism expert, Jack Bauer. If you’ve seen Fox’s real-time action show, 24, then you know what this man is capable of. Hopefully retirement hasn’t made him soft.
Right now I’m in the car with the real Jack Bauer. When I asked this former government agent whether or not he was the right man for the job, he said, “No, probably not”, and then continued to say “please take me home” and “my family will call the police” over and over.
Excited and eager to get to work, we headed to the football stadium, the most likely area of terrorist involvement. We scanned the area looking for known terrorist “tells”: head coverings, tents, and the color red. We were in trouble. The stadium was packed with football fans, but were they also fans of senseless violence. We enlisted a local boy to feed us information. He was later adopted by our boom mic guy.
The terrorists continued the ruse that this was actually a football game. However, when they actually started playing football, we came to believe that maybe this was actually a football game. Our hunch was further bolstered by a terror note written in obviously poor calligraphy which was discovered beneath the bleachers. The area was immediately evacuated. The field was cleared, and the banquet room was emptied except for one guy moving stuff around on stage.
No one here. No one here. No one here.
After a six hour delay with no notes, the game was allowed to resume, which one spectator said was probably worse than a terrorist attack (ba dum). We left the game early to check another lead at the only Catholic church in the town. As the crowd cheered and dancers danced, we discovered that church was a front for the biggest threat-note calligraphy instruction EVER. Unfortunely I didn’t get any pictures and then we blew up the church.
When we got back to the game we found it complete. They teams ended up tied for par. This little boy, Johnny, came up and hugged us and said that if we hadn’t blown up that church, he could never be a future president. Good luck, Johnny. With such kind words from such an honest boy, he took us to his quaint home and gave us food of rice and bamboo.
And so we end our trek to this magical, alarming “landen” transplanted from Holland and set down right here in Iowa. From Pella, IA (edit over “Indiana”), this is Miles Rausch (edit over the name “Riles Mausch”). Back to you, Miles (edit over the name “Riles”).
Warms your heart.
In Related News: What’s the dill with this chair? Goodnight.