I think it’s a shame that the good conspiracies never get brought up like the bad conspiracies. People are so eager to share stories of price fixing, election tampering, secret withholding, and general shenaniganing that they never stop to uncover the beneficial conspiracies.

How about the conspiracy between the hair product industry and the water utility companies wherein they both agree to keep prices low so people have hot water and “product” to shower with? Or the long-standing agreement between whales and dolphins which specifies that they should allow themselves to be caught for human entertainment because they’ve been on Earth so long that it’s time they just relaxed? Or what of the foundation-rocking alliance between Stephen King and his readers that he’ll never produce more than 666 novels in a year because some of his readers have kids or jobs?

Brings a little hope into the world, doesn’t it?

I think we should look at renaming the globe. Most of the names we have for places are based on who showed up first (or who wrote about showing up first), or the place name is based on some old race (or racist) name that no one remembers anymore. The benefit of renaming is that we finally have a global view of things so we can name places more accurately and logically.

Since we need a starting point, let’s change “America” to “Rock Star Megacontinent”. I think the name speaks for itself. Now we can look at England and think, “England is basically a small, floaty America.” So, England’s new name is “Small Floaty Rock Star Megacontinent”. Consequently, Ireland’s basically a smaller, floatier drunk England, ergo Ireland becomes “Drunk Small Small Floaty Floaty Rock Star Megacontinent”, and so on.

Note: Because adverbs are so subjective, we shall repeat adjectives to emphasize them. Example: “The blue blue ocean” means “The mega blue ocean” or “The gnarly blue ocean”, depending on the speaker’s age.

When comparisons to other countries cannot be made, like in the case of Alaska, then entirely new names will be supplied, like “Frozen Bear Place of Whales”. The only downside is that “Drunk Small Small Floaty Floaty Rock Star Megacontinent” will never fit on a globe, which will require Ireland to invade and take over England, which will ruin the whole dang thing.

I think candles were invented by witches. Consider this: candles are often key props and symbols in witch festivals, candles are made of a substance which is solid when cold and liquid when hot, candles produce an almost eternal flame.

Not enough? Try this: both the words “Dale” and “Salen” are contained within the word “candles” (Salen being the original name of “Salem”, the site of a famous witch trial, and Dale being the name of the first recorded Man-Witch [which is not associated with manwhich]), some candles are black (a witch’s favorite color), and some famous dead people have candles that never go out (JFK – now commonly known to be a witch).

Still not convinced? Tilda Swinton, Elizabeth Montgomery, Melissa Joan Heart, Shannen Doherty, Rose McGowan, and Holly Marie Combs are all known witches and have all used candles!

I rest my case.

I think I would take Nostradamus more seriously if he hadn’t ended every prophesy with “I think” and then ten or twelve periods. It’s even worse when he added a final “maybe??” (like he did in that one World War IV passage).

Try as you might, you’ll never convince me that those are editor remarks. (Though his Hindenburg prediction was pretty eerie………..)

I think parents should have to wear a name tag of their impending child (gender appropriate). This could be a government or religious requirement. We need to crack down on really awful names. The Internet has taken away any excuse people have for not knowing a name is awful.

I think I should write a children’s book. I wouldn’t want to spin a yarn on those tired, old children’s book topics like animals or numbers. I’d want to tackle the big items, like life and death. Something meaty (pun). I think that the sooner kids are exposed to these horrifying truths, the better they get at mastering and overcoming them.

For instance, my book would be called, “Do Penguins Dream?” and the subtitle would be “As the arctic winds lull their quickly dying bodies to Hell?” It teaches at least three important lessons: penguins might dream, the arctic is cold, and all penguins go to Hell. What child wouldn’t relish a lesson like that?

(Note: the lesson that “penguins go to Hell” is more of a religious question. For atheistic or agnostic parents, the word “Hell” can be replaced with “Cleveland” or another far off, undesirable location that makes the children squirm a little. Also, penguins go to Hell because animals shouldn’t wear clothes.)

I think computers are like magic. Seriously. And I work with them, like, daily.

I think pot gets a bad rap (pun). Marijuana is a scape goat for much of the world’s lazy, unemployed, pot-head no-gooders. This kind of narcotic use isn’t a cause; it’s a symptom. I think we should be blaming sweatpants. Sweatpants allow extremely lazy people the ability to drive to the nearest Wal-mart and pick up a case of beer and some rotisserie-style chicken. People say to themselves, “These pants are so comfortable, why should I ever try something difficult again?” I don’t care who you are; no amount of pot smoking can help uncomfortable pants.