Newsbleep

I think homeowners should keep a mental list of items that could be used as weapons if someone breaks in. Baseball bats, hammers, and guns are too easy. Try keeping something that you have to break or change to make into a weapon. For instance, a ceramic key bowl would have to be broken to make a usable weapon. A laptop could be hurled, as could many heavy objects.

Avoid using other humans as weapons or shields. Complex moral dilemmas are sure to ensue.

Care should be taken to not damage anything for weaponizing that you’d want to use or enjoy after the burglary. (See the human argument above.)

Oh, yeah. Textbooks are good, too. Thick ones with sharp corners.

I think they should make blankets that have sleeves so you could wear them. Too often I wear a blanket, get a phone call, and then ruin my whole setup. Actually, come to think of it, they should just fix phones.

Phones should come with brain chips. When the phone rings, you could just nod your head or swivel it or something and answer the call. To hang up, you’d shake your head really vigorously. Actually, come to think of it, that would shake the blanket off of you anyway.

You know what, nevermind. I don’t know how to file a patent anyway.

I think winter sucks.

Hands-down, the worst.

I think it’s a shame that the good conspiracies never get brought up like the bad conspiracies. People are so eager to share stories of price fixing, election tampering, secret withholding, and general shenaniganing that they never stop to uncover the beneficial conspiracies.

How about the conspiracy between the hair product industry and the water utility companies wherein they both agree to keep prices low so people have hot water and “product” to shower with? Or the long-standing agreement between whales and dolphins which specifies that they should allow themselves to be caught for human entertainment because they’ve been on Earth so long that it’s time they just relaxed? Or what of the foundation-rocking alliance between Stephen King and his readers that he’ll never produce more than 666 novels in a year because some of his readers have kids or jobs?

Brings a little hope into the world, doesn’t it?

I think we should look at renaming the globe. Most of the names we have for places are based on who showed up first (or who wrote about showing up first), or the place name is based on some old race (or racist) name that no one remembers anymore. The benefit of renaming is that we finally have a global view of things so we can name places more accurately and logically.

Since we need a starting point, let’s change “America” to “Rock Star Megacontinent”. I think the name speaks for itself. Now we can look at England and think, “England is basically a small, floaty America.” So, England’s new name is “Small Floaty Rock Star Megacontinent”. Consequently, Ireland’s basically a smaller, floatier drunk England, ergo Ireland becomes “Drunk Small Small Floaty Floaty Rock Star Megacontinent”, and so on.

Note: Because adverbs are so subjective, we shall repeat adjectives to emphasize them. Example: “The blue blue ocean” means “The mega blue ocean” or “The gnarly blue ocean”, depending on the speaker’s age.

When comparisons to other countries cannot be made, like in the case of Alaska, then entirely new names will be supplied, like “Frozen Bear Place of Whales”. The only downside is that “Drunk Small Small Floaty Floaty Rock Star Megacontinent” will never fit on a globe, which will require Ireland to invade and take over England, which will ruin the whole dang thing.

I think candles were invented by witches. Consider this: candles are often key props and symbols in witch festivals, candles are made of a substance which is solid when cold and liquid when hot, candles produce an almost eternal flame.

Not enough? Try this: both the words “Dale” and “Salen” are contained within the word “candles” (Salen being the original name of “Salem”, the site of a famous witch trial, and Dale being the name of the first recorded Man-Witch [which is not associated with manwhich]), some candles are black (a witch’s favorite color), and some famous dead people have candles that never go out (JFK – now commonly known to be a witch).

Still not convinced? Tilda Swinton, Elizabeth Montgomery, Melissa Joan Heart, Shannen Doherty, Rose McGowan, and Holly Marie Combs are all known witches and have all used candles!

I rest my case.