I think the name “Adolf” is as close as any baby name book gets to the kind of controversy normal books, newspapers, and magazines can stir up. Somehow, I don’t think that name is ever going to recover. It comes up pretty quickly in the alphabet, so they don’t get long to ignore it, either. I’m sure every hot-shot “Letter A” editor thinks he’ll break the mold and include it, and then the heat comes down on him, hard.

“We can’t ignore it!” he screams from his office, walls adorned in different calligraphies of the letter “a”. ”It’s a legitimate name, you know!”

“Not in America, it isn’t,” quips the wizened “Letters X, Y, Z” editor, whose weary eyes belie his number of similar battles.

Then, when the book comes out, the “Letter A” editor comes to work to find a copy on his desk. He excitedly flips through his section, hoping that the Baby Name Book corporate fat cats had a change of heart. They hadn’t, but there’s a bookmark in the final chapter. It marks an entry titled “Zadolf”.

The two editors become life-long friends.

I think tea is the Sean Connery of drinks. He’s distinguished and proper. He’s a household name, even if you don’t regularly enjoy a Sean. He’s got a host of flavors, some exotic, and even the Queen enjoys him.

I think coffee is the James Dean of drinks. He’s reckless but admired, and he’s really popular with Americans. People obsess over him, and you’re sure that he has more than a cursory association with narcotics. Almost everyone goes through a James Dean phase, and almost everyone learns to tone it down after a couple of years.

I think water is the William H. Macy of drinks.

I think, if I had a choice, I’d opt for the renegade ambulance driver. My life being on the line is not the time for following all the rules of the road. Rather, it’s the time for cutting corners, speeding, and ramping off other cars on a collision course for the hospital. Plus, the more people who become injured along the way, the more company I have. This philosophy is why I stay on the lookout for badly damaged ambulances. I think, “That’s the crew I want coming for me,” and I give them a little love tap with my car.

I’m not one to validate Eiffel 65, but “Blue (Da Ba Dee)” had a lot of truth in it.

That group could have been its generation’s Beatles.

I heard that animals and children like routine, so I bet Daylight Savings Time really messes with both of them. Children will eventually get used to it, but animals will always be thrown for a loop. I can just see those squirrels and grackles sitting in their ivory towers, laughing to themselves. “Oh, boy! The humans are so late for human-work today! Ha-ha!” Then we step confidently out of our houses, arriving to work on time. If there was less of a language barrier, I would cry, “I’m exactly on time, squirrels and grackles!” as I danced to my car. That would really stick in their craws.

I think one of the most comforting things about really old artwork is that people back then walked around naked all the time, too. Still, I think ancient art classes had to pay models for their time and energy. It probably took longer, too, because you couldn’t “take a picture, whydoncha”. If only those first nude models had any idea how many millions of people would be seeing their “art supplies” throughout history, they probably would have rethought that half credit towards their art major.

I think discovering that your first born child is the Anti-Christ would be hard. It would probably be harder if you were religious. It would be even harder if you were Christian. And it would probably be most hard if you were the actual Christ. If you were the actual Christ, and your child was the Anti-Christ, you’d probably relate with other parents really easily. At least, from what I hear.

If you weren’t religious, you’d probably be, like, “Whatever. We’ll just stay away from the Christs from now on. Big loss.”

I think audiobooks should be way cheaper. Like, by half, at least.