Newsbleep Ponders… Bedside Manner

I think if I was a doctor there would be a strong desire to tell someone they have a deadly cancer just to see a reaction. The issue is that they could take it the wrong way. They could get really upset that you tricked them like that (because it’s their life, and everything), so you’d have to do a bunch of little surprises to see if they could handle it.

Maybe they come in for a checkup, and you say, “I’ve got terrible news: you have a wart on your hand.” When they say, “What are my options?”, you blurt out, “You don’t have a wart!” Do this six or seven more times with other minor conditions. As a doctor, you should already have a list of these minor conditions.

On a related note, never believe anything your doctor tells you. He or she might be using my technique, and you don’t want to be taken for a fool. The doctor will respect you more if you question his or her every action and statement.

Newsbleep Ponders… Human Inventiveness

I think it says a lot about our species that one of the most fundamental inventions of our history, the incandescent lightbulb, has been used largely for what it does worst: produce light. The majority of the energy powering a lightbulb goes to producing heat, rather than light. Some sources say as much as 90% of that power is lost to heat, leaving the paltry 10% producing light.

Now picture all the millions of lightbulbs out there, being powered by thousands of power plants, all of them working much harder than they should be, simply to produce artificial light.

What Edison should have done was to figure out how to make a never-ending wax candle. I bet there was real money in that.

Newsbleep Ponders… Classical Music

I think the piano is a miracle. Maybe not if you’d looked at harpsichords your whole life, but starting from nothing, it would have been hard to invent.

First get strings. Then make them metal. Then get a big piano-shaped box.

Now, get an elephant, kill it, harvest the tusks, and turn those tusks into piano keys.

Now string the strings through the box and somehow connect them to keys that you push down. Add pedals and a seat that you can hide music in.

You know, I’ve seen a piano, and I still don’t get it. I’d probably just stick with the harpsichord.

Newsbleep Ponders… Home Security

I think homeowners should keep a mental list of items that could be used as weapons if someone breaks in. Baseball bats, hammers, and guns are too easy. Try keeping something that you have to break or change to make into a weapon. For instance, a ceramic key bowl would have to be broken to make a usable weapon. A laptop could be hurled, as could many heavy objects.

Avoid using other humans as weapons or shields. Complex moral dilemmas are sure to ensue.

Care should be taken to not damage anything for weaponizing that you’d want to use or enjoy after the burglary. (See the human argument above.)

Oh, yeah. Textbooks are good, too. Thick ones with sharp corners.

Newsbleep Ponders…Einstein’s Occupation

I think they should make blankets that have sleeves so you could wear them. Too often I wear a blanket, get a phone call, and then ruin my whole setup. Actually, come to think of it, they should just fix phones.

Phones should come with brain chips. When the phone rings, you could just nod your head or swivel it or something and answer the call. To hang up, you’d shake your head really vigorously.¬†Actually, come to think of it, that would shake the blanket off of you anyway.

You know what, nevermind. I don’t know how to file a patent anyway.