Newsbleep

I think I would take Nostradamus more seriously if he hadn’t ended every prophesy with “I think” and then ten or twelve periods. It’s even worse when he added a final “maybe??” (like he did in that one World War IV passage).

Try as you might, you’ll never convince me that those are editor remarks. (Though his Hindenburg prediction was pretty eerie………..)

I think parents should have to wear a name tag of their impending child (gender appropriate). This could be a government or religious requirement. We need to crack down on really awful names. The Internet has taken away any excuse people have for not knowing a name is awful.

I think I should write a children’s book. I wouldn’t want to spin a yarn on those tired, old children’s book topics like animals or numbers. I’d want to tackle the big items, like life and death. Something meaty (pun). I think that the sooner kids are exposed to these horrifying truths, the better they get at mastering and overcoming them.

For instance, my book would be called, “Do Penguins Dream?” and the subtitle would be “As the arctic winds lull their quickly dying bodies to Hell?” It teaches at least three important lessons: penguins might dream, the arctic is cold, and all penguins go to Hell. What child wouldn’t relish a lesson like that?

(Note: the lesson that “penguins go to Hell” is more of a religious question. For atheistic or agnostic parents, the word “Hell” can be replaced with “Cleveland” or another far off, undesirable location that makes the children squirm a little. Also, penguins go to Hell because animals shouldn’t wear clothes.)

I think computers are like magic. Seriously. And I work with them, like, daily.

I think pot gets a bad rap (pun). Marijuana is a scape goat for much of the world’s lazy, unemployed, pot-head no-gooders. This kind of narcotic use isn’t a cause; it’s a symptom. I think we should be blaming sweatpants. Sweatpants allow extremely lazy people the ability to drive to the nearest Wal-mart and pick up a case of beer and some rotisserie-style chicken. People say to themselves, “These pants are so comfortable, why should I ever try something difficult again?” I don’t care who you are; no amount of pot smoking can help uncomfortable pants.

I think that sports teams should be required to keep a living version of their mascot on the sidelines. When it’s just humans in colored uniforms, how do I know who to cheer for? But, if I see a grizzly bear and a dragon on the sidelines, the choice is obvious. Also, team cheer?

(Note: I’d go with the dragon because dragons are like dinosaurs.)

I think it’s hard to respect rugs. Just like we are supposed to call midgets “little people”, so we call tiny scraps of carpet “rugs”. It’s like the loomstress (or loomster) hadn’t the time or resources to make a legitimate carpet, and so they stopped a quarter of the way through.

“Looks good. We’ll sell it for almost the same cost because you can move it around the house.” That’s my impression of the loomstress (see above).